Jesus is in my beginning and ending

(Note: I wrote this post on 2 July 2016 and then deleted my blog. I’m reposting it here again on my new blog to encourage others who are going through a difficult time in their lives)

A long 6 month hiatus from blogging and I’m back. Most people start the year off with a bang, I started the year off with a break because of a series of events. The second half of 2015 and the first few weeks of 2016 were difficult. I had 2 miscarriages back to back, and then my grandpa passed away, my last grandparent in my family.

It’s interesting how when you suffer from a miscarriage, you immediately want to keep it quiet to yourself and people around you who know want to keep it hush too. I was wondering about that kind of reactive behaviour. Perhaps it’s because it’s a very personal and a private experience. But I realised the deeper reasons for me were guilt and shame.

When the miscarriages happen, the first thing I said to myself was,

It was my entire fault.

I was the one carrying the life.

I was responsible for that life.

And the guilt and condemnation worsens when well meaning friends (whom I appreciate a lot in every way) try to comfort me,

You haven’t been taking care of yourself enough.

You have been over exerting your body.

You haven’t been eating enough vitamins.

I wished that were all true, then I know what can be done to prevent the miscarriages. But unfortunately, the doctor says, they were random occurrences that could not be explained because I have 2 children already. And that made me think,

Perhaps God doesn’t want me to have any more children.

During these 6 months, I’ve been resting and pondering, pondering and resting. Meditating over this simple verse we usually learn when we become a new believer,

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8:1-2

I didn’t cause the miscarriages and certainly God didn’t.

Then one Sunday morning, I heard Pastor Charles Nieman speak about the passing away of his wife and how he had been coping. He shared about a verse that we are all too familiar with,

“I am the Alpha and the Omega, says the Lord God, who is and who was, and how is to come, the Almighty.” Revelations 1:8

Jesus is in my beginnings and endings. He was there during the conception, he was there during the miscarriage. He was in it with me though it all, therefore there is no condemnation, no guilt and no shame.

He is in my new beginnings and he is in my endings no matter what experiences they are. And therefore I have hope because my hope is in Jesus.

I’ve asked God one more thing, I asked Him what is the purpose of this experience,

To bring hope to others. To bring Jesus to them.

I hope you feel encouraged by my sharing, I pray you will always hope in Him because He is in our every beginning and ending, in every moment, in the same instant.

alpha and omega

Meaning, purpose and hope

INFJS tend to see helping others as their purpose in life (www.16personalities.com/infj)

That’s a pretty accurate description of me and probably why I chose social work as my major in university.

Meeting up with my friends who are still in the field, reading about community initiatives that have been started from the ground and social enterprises making impact in society – I felt encouraged, I felt inspired.

But I also felt left out. Here I am making an impact in just 3 little persons’ life. Most of the time, I’m just too exhausted at the end of the day to do anything else, much less have the energy to help anyone else or serve in any ministry.  One thought led to another and then I started to think that what I do has no meaning and no purpose. Looking after kids and having a very administrative part-time job just didn’t seem to make the cut of making a difference in the community, I felt hopeless.

As I was wallowing in these thoughts, I met 3 people in a span of one week:

  1. She takes care of 3 grandchildren and her husband, who amputated his leg. She has to fetch her grandchildren to and fro school and they all go to different schools. And she’s expecting a 4th grandchild to take care of.
  2. He told me he quit his job as a bus driver to take care of his 2 grandchildren and wheelchair bound wife. He fetches his grandchildren to and fro school, and also brings his wife for morning walks.
  3. Every morning, she takes the public bus from Toa Payoh to Ang Mo Kio to fetch her granddaughter from school and supervises her homework. Thereafter she fetches another 2 grandchildren from school and prepares dinner, and then returns to her home in Toa Payoh by bus again.

Obviously God had a message for me:

Do such “work” that these 3 grandparents engage in count for as nothing?

I felt ashamed that I should think of their caregiving duties as not having any meaning or purpose.

So in 2019, with faith in my heart, I believe this path that I’ve chosen has a meaning and a purpose in my life. Jesus cleanse me from all these self-defeating, self-pitying, self-condemning thoughts and I shall have hope that whatever my hands undertake, small or mundane, has an impact in someone’s life.

meaning, purpose and hope_fotor